|
By CJP | January 3, 2008
 With the Iowa caucuses just hours away, the time for campaigns to field a poll is over. But what is a politician to do for guidance and insight at this late hour? We’ve got the answer, and we’re sharing the results with the contenders. Horoscopes are not fool-proof, but you don’t have to be John Kerry to know that exit polls aren’t fool-proof either. Here’s what the stars are telling them tonight.
Mitt Romney (Pisces): Adopt a ‘keep it to yourself’ attitude about controversies today — play it safe.
- Translation: Mitt, were you in on the dirty tricks you were accused of today? Don’t tell us! Anybody could have sent Huckabee’s people the wrong caucus information. If you did something, nobody needs to know.
Mike Huckabee (Virgo): The road ahead of you is in a state of unrest right now — do not rush forward. There is a lot that is still to be decided, and those choices have to be made by other people.
- Translation: No matter what happens in Iowa– New Hampshire is still loaded with undecideds who won’t know you from Earl Silas Tupper’s cat. Take your time and let the people of the Granite State enjoy your folksy charm. If you do 3rd or better here, you can take the ‘mo into South Carolina, where your people await.
Rudy Giuliani (a Gemini): Your usual partners in crime might not be as ready to move on to the next social escapade as you are, so
what are your options? You can sit on your hands and wait for them to catch up to you, or you can go ahead and take action by yourself.
- Translation: Heading to Florida before NH even votes is not such a bad idea after all. You’ll have the sun, the Gator money and the Florida Republicans all to yourself. People call your Uber-Tuesday strategy crazy, but maybe it’s crazy enough to work.
John McCain (also a Virgo): The road ahead of you is in a state of unrest right now — do not rush forward. There is a lot that is still to be decided, and those choices have to be made by other people.
- Translation: Unrest, indeed! You’re poised to tip the Iowa apple cart over with a 3rd-place finish, but not so fast, McCain. Those New Hampshire wildcats want to make up their own minds about you- not have the media make it up for them. Settle in and woo the independents.
DEMOCRATS:
Hillary Clinton, a Scorpio: Today, conditions are absolutely perfect for you to take a risk. Go for the gold.
- Translation: If you think you’ve been playing it too safe lately- now’s the time to let ‘er rip. Win, lose or draw tonight in Iowa, tell the voters how you really feel in your speech tonight. Just don’t scream.
John Edwards, a Gemini: This might be a good time to try things on your own for a while. You’ve got the drive, you’ve got the energy, and you’ve got the ideas.
- Translation- Forge ahead no matter the Iowa results, but be prepared to go it alone. The Dems are getting tired of you calling out their corporate benefactors (someone’s got to pay for their campaigns), but you’re sure you’ve got the message people want to hear. Could a 3rd-party bid be in your future?
Barack Obama, a Leo: Express your inner emotions, too — don’t be afraid to have sticky sweet words come out of your mouth.
- Translation: Tonight’s speech could be your DNC, Part Deux. The country is ready to be inspired and now’s the time!
We’ll know soon enough how it all turns out, Janes. In the meantime, Iowa, good luck picking our president!
| 
