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Presidential Horoscopes, Republican Edition

Topic: The Hopefuls' Horoscopes | By CJP | November 21, 2007

stars.jpg As we discussed yesterday, polls of likely Iowa caucus goers can be a little squirrely this far away from the January 3rd caucuses. And even though today’s numbers come as great news to Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee, who both polled as possible winners in Iowa, a wise man might counsel all the candidates not to put too much stock in those figures. Then what, you might ask, should they put stock in? Speaking from experience, CJP would note that the hopefuls’ horoscopes might be cheaper and more accurate than a poll right now.

So as a public service to our possible public servants, we’re looking up the candidates’ horoscopes for them. We did it for the Democrats yesterday, with prescient results, so now it’s the Republicans’ turn, and I must say it was worth the wait…..

Horoscopes for the Hopefuls:

Rudy Giuliani (a Gemini): “Open up your contact book and ring up a few people you haven’t heard from in a little too long. Not just old friends, either — try some folks whom you never really got to know that well, but would have liked to.” Translation: This is a five-star fundraising day. Get on the phone and start dialing for dollars!

Mike Huckabee (Virgo): “Inspiration strikes and you feel a new sense of purpose underlying your career or family life. It’s a big deal, but you may not realize the full extent of it for another few months or years.” Translation: Maybe that Iowa poll that shows you coming up on Romney was onto something- keep your eyes on the prize!

John McCain (also a Virgo): “Inspiration strikes and you feel a new sense of purpose underlying your career or family life. It’s a big deal, but you may not realize the full extent of it for another few months or years.” Translation: You’re 2008′s comeback kid! Iowa is for sissies; New Hampshire is all yours. (CJP would like to add we don’t think Iowa is for sissies.)

Ron Paul (Leo): “You’re in a fantastic mood and should get a message that, if anything, lifts you up even higher. Enjoy the burst of positive energy — and see if you can use it to make a difference around the house.” Translation: $4 million dollars raised in one week? You’re on fire! You may not win the presidency, but get ready for more respect when you go back to your day job in the House of Representatives.

Mitt Romney (Pisces): “You deal with ambiguity pretty well, which is a fine trait to possess on a planet like this one — and especially on days like today. Just smile and shrug your shoulders if anyone tries to pin you down.”* Translation: Some say flip-flop, some say positional evolution. Tomato/ tomahto! You’re winning the first three states, aren’t you? Keep on keepin’ on.

*CJP did not make this up.

Fred Thompson (a Leo, like Ron Paul): “You’re in a fantastic mood and should get a message that, if anything, lifts you up even higher. Enjoy the burst of positive energy — and see if you can use it to make a difference around the house.” Translation: Do enjoy this burst of energy and put to rest people’s comments that you’re the l-a-z-y word. Around the South, we call that energy efficient.

Janes, even CJP is stunned how insightful the stars have been today. Check out your future today….[Yahoo Astrology]


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